Repeated many times in my career:- Pilot (usually a youngfirst officer)  Eng, when i push this button (lever/knob) the warning light comes on???

reply-Dont push it then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Modellin Tip - Never wear open sandels when you are using and exacto knife!

AND

Never hold the cap of a super glue bottle between your lips for convenience when your hands are full.

No, I have never done either of these . . . . . But I know a man who has!

Phils.

                                                "Who says groundcrew are humourless!"

I did post this somewhere else a while back, before we had a dedicated "funnies" section...so in case you missed it then, here is the link now

groundcrew

 Pilot - 'How long have you been employing an all-American ground staff here?'

Rep - 'we always employ American  ground staff here in Alabama!'

Pilot turns to 1st officer - 'would you mind asking the navigator where he did his training? it appears he has his Birmingham's mixed up'.

'Triplex' make winscreens and other specialist glass panels and made windows for the 747, when they applied for the contract the American company asked how they were tested for bird strikes and 'Triplex' said ' we go down the supermarket and buy a load of chickens which we load into a special air cannon and fire them at the glass'. So off the Americans went to Tesco's or whatever and bought a box of chickens.

The Americans phoned up a week later and reported that they tried the method 'Triplex' had outlined and it didnt work, the chicken went straight through the screen and took the head rest off the pilots seat before demolishing the instrument panel behind it at the rear of the cockpit.

Afetr some discussion the 'Triplex' techician said 'Ahhh! thats where your going wrong, you should thaw out the chicken first'..................

Aer Lingus pilot coming in to land and gets on the radio ' Aer Lingus flight 402 requesting permission to land please' and control gets back with 'we cannot give you permission to land without your exact hight and position'.

He radios back 'OIm five foot nine and oim sittin up the front'.....................

The following is said to be true, but who knows.

A newly qualified navigator in the U.S.A.F. on his first operational posting is warned that his pilot is a "real hard ass" with a reputation for getting a new guy to quit and request a transfer within a week.

On their first flight the pilot holds up a pistol, and when the Nav asks what it's for he replies "It's for shootin' you the first time you get us lost!"

Thinking quickly, the Nav takes out his own pistol and taps the pilot on the shoulder with it, saying "Yeah, well I'm gonna know we're lost before you do!"

After this the two were reported to be best buddies.

Back in the late 50s I was an Airframe fitter in the RAf. At the time I was worong on the Master Diversion Flight at St Mawgan in Cornwall. This was a great postuing because we got all sorts of interesting visitn aircraft.

Even better, we could often scrounge a lift home at week ends.

I had several lifts home in Ansons. On one such flight we landed at Waterbeach in Cambridgeshire. Unfortunatley the pilot landed on the grass approach and literally bounced onto the end of the runway. We taxied in and stopped and as we got out I heard the copilot ask the captain "Which landing shall I log sir?"

The best ever flight home was in a Meteor trainer which had no ejection seats. The pilot briefed me on procedures.

"If we get into trouble I shall slow the aircraft down to 100 knots and jettison the canopy. Climb out of the cockpit and slide off the wing. If you miss the tailplane count to ten and pull the ripchord."

A fellow member of the section was given a lift home in a Vampire trainer (Could have been a Venom) His briefing about the ejection seat ended with the instructcion. "If I say 'Eject' and you say 'What' you will be talking to your self."

I caught this box in a shop .......

It was the end of term at the convent school, the girls had finished their exams, and to fill in time the Mother Superior called in a famous Polish WW2 veteran pilot who lived locally, to give a talk about his experiences.

In the assembly hall, he began, in a strong accent. "On my first day I was over the Channel when I saw a formation of Fokkers, they nearly got away but my wingman and I bagged a couple of the Fokkers, the next day I shot down another Fokker over Kent"  At this point the Mother Superior said, "Girls, I think I should clarify things, the name of the enemy planes is Fokker."  "Oh no, Mother Superior, the Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

This one I can believe.

During WW1 a British pilot had had his aircraft badly damaged in a dog fight. He was frantically looking for somewhere to land before fire or airframe collapse brought certain death, when he spotted a large chateau with immaculate lawned grounds. Seizing his one chance, he managed to get it down and clamber from the wreckage without being badly injured.

As he staggered towards the chateau a group of staff officers came out and started to tear him one almighty strip off, demanding to know what he thought he was doing ruining the garden and ploughing up their croquet lawn. His reply earned him a court martial (Later withdrawn)

"I'm very sorry sir, I didn't realise I was this far behind the lines!"

Reminds me of a true story.

In Aden in the early 60s we did guard dury, patrolling the technical areas in twos armed with 303 rifles.

One night the station Orderly Officer drove round in a land rover and got out near two patrolling guards. They callenged him, "Halt, Who Goes there?"

He replied "Donald Duck"

The guard then said "Right, Waddle forward and quack your last three" ( Of his service number)

 The airman was put on a charge which was generally considered to be completely unjust.

On another occasion an officer was challenged by a gurad who came up to the Land Rover door. The Officer said "Airman, do you realise that I could have grabbed your rifle?"

From behind him came a reply from the second guard, now leaning on the open rear of the Land Rover with the muzzle of his rifle about 6 inches behind the officers head. "Just try it, Sir!"

During his trade training in the RAF, (Radar Technician) my late father was sent from the class room to the stores one day for a box of 'Cal Pips'. Off he went, thinking nothing of it. At the stores, the storeman asked him what colour he wanted, and not knowing, had to go back and ask his instructor.

"Green of course" he was told, "and hurry up, the class can't carry on 'til you get back with 'em"

Off he went again, around to the stores at the double and asked the storeman for a box of green Cal Pips.

"Sorry son" said the storeman, "no green ones left, only blue or white, try technical stores, they should have them"

Now technical stores was at the far side of the camp, so after a long 'double march', poor old Dad, red faced and sweating, got there and asked his question.

"Got loads of 'em" the Sergeant in charge told him, and went off down the room, looking on shelves. On reaching the back of the stores he shouted back to Dad "What size do you want, large or small?"

Dad of course didn't know but asked for a box of each and he would return whichever box was wrong.

"Sorry lad, can't do that" came the reply "valuable items these are, I can only issue one box at a time, you'll have to go back and find out what size you need"

On his return to technical stores, by this time almost in tears and on the point of collapse, soaked in sweat, with his instructors words "Bloody small ones you idiot, 'avant you learned anything" ringing in his ears, he managed to gasp out his request to the Sergeant.

"Not your lucky day is it lad" grinned the Sergeant, "an officer from air traffic control just took the last box, you'll just have to explain to your instructor"

As he left, dad heard the Sergeants parting words........."Try again tomorrow, I might have some then"

As you will have guessed, this is the 'long stand', 'glass hammer', 'bucket of steam' trick, for those who don't know, 'Cal Pips' are Calibration Pips, the small green dots of light that mark a radar screen.

In memory of you Dad, I still chuckle when I remember you telling me that, God bless you.