One of the best Air Traffic - Aeroplane exchanges I have heard of was :

Heathrow Control to Pan Am Heavy 326 - "Pan Am Heavy 326 please hold, we have a Virgin with a tight slot behind you" 

Another funny (and very true) story regarding the build-up to The Falklands War.

Basically we were very short of transport aircraft and the VC10's were at that time only passenger/cargo planes. The RAF "borrowed" the entire NATO war stock AIM 9L Sidewinder missles from Germany before asking the Yanks and transported them to the UK for forward supply to Ascension Island.

Because we were so short of transport aircraft and qualified aircrew to transport munitions ordinary RAF Trolley-Dollys were used on a flight moving 50 AIM 9L's to Ascension on a VC10.

Just seconds after take-off said Trolley-Dolly arrived in the Flight Deck with 50 Red "Remove Before Flight" arming Flags with the comment "Phfeww, just made it, I manged to get them all out just before we took off"!!

The request to land immeadiately back at RAF Lyneham was met with a Foxtrot Oscar reply and directions to Ascension!

True! - I swear. 

This is not new so maybe you've all heard this one - not a joke but real ATC at JFK having a REALLY bad day.  ATC

If you download the airport diagram its fun trying to figure what's happening.  Just like the controller

I can't get the link to work but the url to the diagram is : http://www.naco.faa.gov/d-tpp/0804/00610AD.PDF

I have no problem with the links using either Firefox or IE  so you did it correctly Lee!

 The "English" link for the ATC YouTube is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyO-bWGxWBU&feature=related

Its a great recording, isn't it.  How do those guys cope? 

What I meant when I said i couldn't make the link work was that I couldn't get the link to the airport diagram to work on this forum's "link maker gizmo", that's why I had to paste that URL.  Maybe it was  becuase its to a Pdf file and not an HTML. 

Pete Russell who used to write his column "Straight & Level" in RCM&E some years ago, had a saying.....

"A superior pilot was one who used his superior knowledge to avoid having to use his superor skill"

Another was "There are old pilots and bold pilots but no old, bold pilots".

He used to live in Worksop, does anyone know if he's still around?

While I was serving at RAF Leuchars (43 sqdn) we had a Phantom delivered to us from Major Service which was then taken up for its acceptance air test. This was done by the Squadron Commander and a very experienced navigator. About two hours later the aircraft returned and the pilot reported that the kite would yaw to the right every time the auto-pilot was engaged.

The aircraft was taken into the hanger and put up on jacks (quite a sight to see a phantom on jacks with its wheels up) for all sorts of tests. Firstly, the airframe guys stripped and checked all the hydraulics and called it cured only to have the same fault reported on the subsequent flight test. So, back in the hanger!

Next, the flight systems guys had a go but ended up with the same problem on the next flight test. This went on for weeks and must have cost a fortune but was finally resolved by a young SAC Airframe Mechanic looking at the aircraft while it was back up on jacks. This time there was a shortage of space in the hanger so the kite was parked "nose in". He went to the stores and got a ball of string and attached one end of it to one wingtip and the other to the top of the fin. Checking from the other wingtip he worked out that the fin was about 3 degrees off vertical! Once this was sorked out the aircraft flew normally!

The pilot didn't notice it as he was unknowingly correcting the yaw while flying without the auto-pilot engaged.

Just goes to show, sometimes the younger eyes have it!

My favorite story is of when I worked in an area producing parts for missiles and ordnance.

As one of the 3 apprentices on that section, we all got the long wait and left-handed screwdriver treatment as well as getting shot at randomly with a device that fed 8BA nuts into a pipe connected to a 200psi air line.

Revenge was agreed upon so over a week or so, when the senior guys went to the pub for lunch leaving the 'rookies' guarding the workshop, we wired up all the machines and work stations with very fine bore plastic pipe.

A spell of lunchtime testing showed us that water just misted when shot through the tube, normal oil didn't run fast enough and anything alcohol based was too dangerous to shoot at guys working on and near grinding and cutting machines.

Eventually, while raiding stores, we found a gallon of 'fireproof' fine oil used in some of the things we built - perfect !

So one fine and sunny day it was time - we carefully hooked the final pipes up to a tank and the 200psi air line and as 10 o'clock struck we opened the air cock.

Nothing happened for what felt like an age, then from the workshop an ever increasing wall of shouts and swearing.... We took a swift exit out the back soon followed by a large number of angry oppos, all with neat wet stains at crutch level, it looked like a day out for the 'bladder control challenged', we did laugh (while running for our lives).. Until the boss appeared.

Once back in the workshop, the network of pipes and the tank were discovered with the (now empty) gallon of oil and we were duly taken off to "The Office for a chat"

The top man, while trying not to laugh too loudly asked us why and how.

After an explanation of the 8BA nut gun and long wait, left handed screw drivers etc etc we described our tests and how we set it up.

His replies were..
- Stupid workshop jokes are traditional - live with it for you one day will be the "Senior Guys"....
- £800/gallon, military grade, light silicon damper oil is not to be used for anything other than what it was intended for.
- As a punishment, you 3 will clean all the machines every night this week.
- And, excellent work lads, showed good planning, teamwork and execution.. but don't do it again..

A while later a memo came round..

"Apprentices are not, under any circumstances, to be shot.."

We had the last laugh though, light silicon oil doesn't wash out of heavy grade cotton overalls or jeans !

It isn't just apprentices who get caught out.

One rather dim airframe mechanic was sent round the station looking for the jacks to do a retraction test on a Chipmunk. He actually fell for that even though we had had the Cipmunk on the unti for a couple of weeks.

Later when he had to change a main wheel on the Chipmunk he asked where the jacks were and didn't believe it when he was told to get two other men to lift the wing on their backs and put a tool box under the end of the undercarraige leg.

Another equally dim engine mechnaic was sent round the station to get a tim of propeller pitch.

I was sent round the stores for a long wait. I knew that one, so I went and read the paper and  had a couple of fags in the crew room instead. They had the long wait for me to come back.

There is the very old and probably ficticious story about a group of servicemen who were told to be in a lecture hall for a talk on Keats.

The officer in charge shouted at them "I bet none of you ignorant lot know what a Keat is!"

I got sent to the stores (about the same time as my story above) for a 'double bladed hack saw'.

I point blank refused to go and almost ended up in a fight with the guy about it until he took me to the stores and ordered it himself - they used it for cutting the correct size slots in the top of screws and bolts to fit a standard screw driver..  - guess what i did for the rest of the day...

Paul