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Aviation Funnies

A place for your one-liners and tall tales!

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fly-navy09/03/2008 21:03:00
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411 forum posts
11 photos

Eric I think most of us (RN) looked at life as the glass was always half full.

Eric Bray10/03/2008 14:51:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos
Tot's up!
Dave Spratt10/03/2008 20:30:00
5 forum posts
On learning to slope soar under my fathers tuition (1 Tx passed between us) I had gained sufficient confidence to try a little aerobatics on my rudder elevator, foam veneer wing, balsa box craft..Instructions came loud and clear “make sure you have sufficient height over the face of the slope, nose into wind, apply a little down elevator when you have sufficient speed pull up on the elevator and level out flight when you’re about half way through the loop". All elements of the instruction were clearly followed, until about ¼ of the way through the upward pull from the base of the loop when the wing tips decided to clap hands, there was no point in handing the Tx back to dad, as I watched the graceful decent of balsa and foam bits fall to the base of the slope. I turned to dad, my trainer, and asked "what should I do now?" his reply. "He's the car keys, take the Tx back to the car, go in the boot and bring back the large black bin liner", good scout was my dad always prepared. It would appear that from my earlier slightly heavier landings I had created a stress fracture in the veneer and under the excessive wing load they had collapsed.

 A good bit of wood glue and epoxy fibre glass cloth and covering material and she was flying again, so many lessons learnt.

Further states of misfortune for both of us has been met with the cry "get the bin liner".
Terence Lynock10/03/2008 22:36:00
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2453 forum posts
46 photos

U.S Air Force Major on seeing a M-D Phantom for the first time was to ask 'are you sure you landed it the right way up?'.............

                     regards,          Terry

Eric Bray20/03/2008 18:54:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos

I read somewhere that the definition of an expert is -

A person who learns more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing! 

Dave Towell21/03/2008 10:45:00
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214 forum posts
3 photos
An EXPERT is a has been and a drip under pressure!!
cyprus steve24/03/2008 05:15:00
32 forum posts
If you haven't crashed you aren't trying hard enough.
Eric Bray25/03/2008 23:32:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos
Sorry Dave, an expert is a cured drip under pressure (an ex-spurt)
Steve Hargreaves - Moderator31/03/2008 12:48:00
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Moderator
6730 forum posts
191 photos

Not strictly an aviation funny but it makes me smile so I thought I'd share it........

I've just had a technical presentation from work about how the EU is trying to curb the use of harmful chemicals/heavy metals in manufactured products. A lot of what we make ends up in the military arena & particularly on weapons & ordinance (air & sea launched missiles such as ASRAAM & Stormshadow etc) The EU are pushing hard to make our products more "environmentally friendly" by eliminating some key chemicals that give our products their high performance

So rest assured.......when that 2000lb bomb lands on its target,  no environmentally harmful chemicals will have been used in its contruction......apart from the warhead obviously!!!!!!

Tim Mackey31/03/2008 13:39:00
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20920 forum posts
304 photos
15 articles
Eric Bray31/03/2008 16:50:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos
So when it kills you, it won't poison you as well?
Steve Hargreaves - Moderator31/03/2008 17:08:00
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6730 forum posts
191 photos

Or cause lasting damage to the environment..........if you discount the odd crater!!!

Its good to know our rulers are concerned about these things innit!!!!

Robert Leach21/05/2008 12:40:00
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12 forum posts
2 photos

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers :

      Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!'

Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.'

TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'

Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'


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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

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This is my personal favourite.........

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): 'Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

Robert Leach21/05/2008 12:49:00
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12 forum posts
2 photos

                  **********************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: 'Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground
: (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt t before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'


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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Tim Mackey21/05/2008 15:05:00
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20920 forum posts
304 photos
15 articles
Peter Christy25/05/2008 11:31:00
1667 forum posts

An RAF chum of mine tells a tale of flying near Yemen - formerly Aden - after the British had pulled out, and the Russians had moved in!

A Russian transport was departing, and, aware that an RAF plane was in the area, called out:

"Ah, English! You used to control Aden!"

"Er, yes?" replied the RAF pilot.

"And now we have it!", continued the Russian.

"Er, yes?" responded the RAF again.

"And now we would very much like you to HAVE IT BACK!", concluded the Russian! 

--

Pete

Peter Miller25/05/2008 11:45:00
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10507 forum posts
1246 photos
10 articles
Having done a tour in Aden...I like that one.
Eric Bray25/05/2008 16:13:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos

During anti-aircraft gunnery practice with live ammo, taking part, us in a Leander class frigate, and a long-forgotten American Destroyer.

The target was a towed 'sock', with a Canberra out in front on a long wire. 

On the first pass, the Yankees had the 'shoot' while we were range safety. I was monitoring the a/g radio, and running a ferrograph reel to reel tape recorder, just in case. After all the usual chit-chat regarding angles, heights, speeds and - Clear to fire? - routine, there was a pause, during which we could hear the Yankee's cannons firing, then over the radio came this rather terse message. "Tell the (word deleted) that we are towing this damn thing, not pushing it!"

A while later, it was our turn to fire at the target, with our twin 4.5's. There was the usual chat, then our cannons began spitting shells at the sky. After about twenty rounds, over the radio - "Ok, chaps, you've shredded the drogue, and you have chopped my wire into shreds for half it's length. Stop now PLEASE!"

Eric Bray26/05/2008 11:47:00
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6600 forum posts
2 photos

Not really an Aviation funny, but heard on the BBC tv news this morning - (Genuine!)

Lewis Hamilton has won Monaco at the Grand Prix , and ....

The other reader interrupted, laughing.

I apologise, , Lewis Hamilton won the Grand Prix at Monaco yesterday, and ..... 

Terence Lynock02/06/2008 23:09:00
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2453 forum posts
46 photos

Blond gets on a 747 and sits down in Business class, stewardess looks at her ticket and says' sorry miss but you are economy class please move to the back' the blond says 'I am famous, beautiful and i am going to Hollywood'.

So the stewardess goes to the first officer and explains and he comes down and asks her to move to economy class and gets the 'I am famous,beautiful and I am going to Hollywood' routine so the first officer goes to the captain.

The captain comes down and whispers something in the blonds ear, she gets up and flounces off to economy class without a word, the first officer asks the captain what he said to the blond to get her to move so easily.

The captain just says 'oh, i just told her the front half is going to Chicago and the back half is going to Hollywood'..............

                            regards,            Terry

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