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Sign of the times - funnies

funnies...

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john davidson 109/03/2020 19:48:02
54 forum posts

An american on a golfing holiday in ST Andrews got chatting to a local golfer and asked if they could play a round together tomorrow

The local said he would like that and suggested a time on the tee of nine am, but he might be half an hour late

Both turned up at nine and teed off. The american played well but the local just managed to win.

The american sugested a return match , the local said alright , nine am again but I might be half an hour late

As before they met at nine and set off, the american immediately said "you were playing right handed clubs yesterday but today left handed"

"yes" the local said "I am ambidexrous and have two sets of clubs and can play equally well with either"

"how do you decide which clubs to use"

"well when I waken I look over at my wife and if she lies on her right side I use my right handed set, and if she lies on her left, the left handed set"

" Ah but what if she lies on her back?"

"Then I would be half an hour late!"

RC Plane Flyer09/03/2020 20:14:38
711 forum posts
22 photos

That`s a good one and will be sent to my Golfing friends

Bruce Collinson10/03/2020 13:49:30
511 forum posts

Good oldie; can (and has been) adapted to the new member at the flying club, Mode 1/2 etc.

Bruce Collinson10/03/2020 14:02:11
511 forum posts

Also reminds me of the wife asking soppy questions of the husband. I'll skip the quotation marks, you can wiggle your two fingers by your ears instead.

if I died, would you re-marry?

Well yes, I think I would.

Wife, crestfallen. H says I'm no good at living alone and I'm so used to being well looked after etc.

Wife perks up a bit. Would you sell the house and move? H; no, I'd want to stay here. You've made our home so nice, shame to sell it.

Wife; does that mean you'd be sharing "our" bed with your new wife?

H: well, it's a very comfy bed and it's nearly new ...

W; what about my car?

H; if I sold it any time soon the depreciation would be eye watering. I'd want to keep running it for a while yet.

W; so would she use my golfclubs too?

H: no.

W: why not? she'd be using everything else!

H: she's left handed.

Richard Acland10/03/2020 14:39:52
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105 forum posts
32 photos

Tiger Woods wanders into a bar. He sees Stevie wonder sitting at a table and sits down with him. Hi Steve Tiger woods here, hows it going. Fine says Steve working on some new music, how about you. Good says Tiger working on my putting which needs to improve. Same here says Stevie my putting is not that good. You play golf says Tiger. Yes says Stevie, played for years. If you dont mind me asking says Tiger dont you fnd being blind a bit of a problem.Not really says Stevie I have friend who stands on the fairway and whistles. With my hearing I can drop the ball at his feet. What about putting says Tiger, same thing says Stevie he stands with his feet either side of the cup and whistles. Well says Tiger we must have a game sometime. Yes says Stevie but I must warn you I like a heavy side bet, nothing less than $10,000. Great says Tiger smiling to himself. You name a time and place. I dont mind says Stevie any night next week will do.

Barry W23/03/2020 16:08:57
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80 forum posts
8 photos

597CC8D8-392D-4272-B873-578A2FDF78EB.jpeg

News from China says his two cousins Ho Lee Flew and Sum Ting Wong have also caught the virus

ken anderson.23/03/2020 16:11:01
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8630 forum posts
779 photos

Ho Lee Flew is not the version I got.....emotion

ken anderson...ne...1...name change dept...

ken anderson.31/03/2020 14:43:33
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8630 forum posts
779 photos

two Martians talking...."how did the human race get wiped out"?

his friend replies..."they ran out of loo roll,............wiped them out..."

ken anderson...ne..1..loo roll dept.

ken anderson.31/03/2020 14:44:41
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8630 forum posts
779 photos

put my hearing aid for repair 3 weeks ago...………… I haven't heard a thing since...

ken anderson...ne...1..hearing dept.

Engine Doctor31/03/2020 15:15:44
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2466 forum posts
39 photos

President Trump is talking to the nation telling them that they should be making more things at home in the USA.

he said " Why , this morning I looked at my television and it had "Built in antenna " on it , I don't even know where that is !

Dave Cunnington08/04/2020 16:15:45
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169 forum posts
57 photos

This one (of the many I'm sure we've all been receiving of late) really cracked me up and I wanted to share it

image0.jpeg

I hope it does not offend anyone !

Devcon108/04/2020 16:45:21
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1409 forum posts
493 photos

If you get an email from the government saying that you can't eat tinned spiced pork or ham because it contains covid 19 ignore it. It's just spam! 😉

Edited By Devcon1 on 08/04/2020 16:45:44

cymaz08/04/2020 18:04:05
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9185 forum posts
1181 photos

I laughed...Dean Martin is great

Bob Cotsford08/04/2020 18:08:03
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8382 forum posts
463 photos
Posted by Dave Cunnington on 08/04/2020 16:15:45:

This one (of the many I'm sure we've all been receiving of late) really cracked me up and I wanted to share it

image0.jpeg

I hope it does not offend anyone !

I've a good mind to report this post.

I just spat tea all over my laptop screenface 1

kevin b08/04/2020 18:55:20
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1823 forum posts
145 photos

yes

Fortunately I had finished drinking my tea.

Daithi O Buitigh09/04/2020 09:41:37
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1369 forum posts
54 photos

4.jpg.6f4ac9ac5d97e0ccf917325bddc90454.jpg

Daithi O Buitigh09/04/2020 20:49:50
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1369 forum posts
54 photos

The inventor of predictive text has died - He will be burned after a funfair service next Monkey

kevin b11/04/2020 19:57:35
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1823 forum posts
145 photos

For those of you who wondered about the connection between Easter eggs and bunnies.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzkaHPdHzSU

Edited By kevin b on 11/04/2020 19:58:31

Pete B - Moderator12/04/2020 17:15:13
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Moderator
7639 forum posts
733 photos

Try and keep this a family-suitable forum, please, folks - I've just deleted a post I thoroughly agree with but perhaps not for here,eh?smile

Thanks,

Pete

ken anderson.12/04/2020 17:24:25
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8630 forum posts
779 photos

well done pete……………..

……………………………………………………………………………….

things are getting tough in ne..1..land ...the seagulls are putting bread down for us..

ken anderson...ne..1...tough dept

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