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Sign of the times - funnies

funnies...

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john stones 109/05/2020 17:14:33
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11535 forum posts
1517 photos

Nigel Day, hello stranger hope you're keeping well.

Nigel Day09/05/2020 17:39:28
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1160 forum posts
213 photos

Fine thanks John, but not modelling. I hope everyone on here is staying OK too.

I've been following the jokes recently and thought that this latest lot were too good not to pass on. And they won't have given the mods and cause for concern either..... smileyyes

Edited By Nigel Day on 09/05/2020 17:40:11

john stones 109/05/2020 19:07:28
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11535 forum posts
1517 photos

Good to hear from you Nigel, mind how you go. smiley

Daithi O Buitigh10/05/2020 12:12:48
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1376 forum posts
54 photos

lawnmower.jpg

Gavin Mack10/05/2020 12:49:01
88 forum posts
20 photos

apologies if these are already in thread, post probably will be removed as not PC

oops.jpg

hazmat_women.jpg

 

best plane restraint

restraint.jpg

Edited By Gavin Mack on 10/05/2020 12:49:47

ken anderson.10/05/2020 12:54:01
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8686 forum posts
808 photos

nice restraint where do you get them from...don't tell me they are on back order!

ken anderson...ne..1..restraint dept.

kevin b10/05/2020 14:17:16
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1838 forum posts
146 photos

Is that what they call a "fetchermite" ?

Peter Miller10/05/2020 14:25:32
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11104 forum posts
1309 photos
10 articles

Fetchermites were NEVER that attractive!!!

Small grubby little boys usually saying "Can I have the bits Mister!"

cymaz10/05/2020 14:29:12
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9254 forum posts
1196 photos

She doesn’t have any cg issues...nerd

kevin b10/05/2020 15:59:43
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1838 forum posts
146 photos

That's the problem with age.

They're both way beyond my abilities.

crying

kevin b23/05/2020 12:14:36
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1838 forum posts
146 photos

I wish I was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum.

Cos, how can you be miserable, when the sun shines out your bum ?

Found on another forum.

John Stainforth23/05/2020 13:08:48
361 forum posts
64 photos

Another reason to like glowplug i.c. engines!

ken anderson.26/05/2020 14:14:30
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8686 forum posts
808 photos

just back in from an "eye test" run in the car....seemed to be a lot of "cummings and goings" to me..

ken anderson...ne..1....eye test run dept.

Bruce Collinson26/05/2020 14:24:35
537 forum posts

For Ken.

Geordie in opticians. “Can you see the board?” “ I canna even see the cage pet!”.

BTC

ken anderson.26/05/2020 14:30:02
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8686 forum posts
808 photos

well done Bruce...Geordie in the hairdressers....a want me hair curled.....hairdresser..." put your heed in the fridge" ……..

or Geordie in the swimming baths talking to a lass...she ask's him "are eee flirtin".....".nur, am stannin on one leg he replies"! …...

howay man....I hear you think... emotion

ken anderson...ne....1 Geordie dept..

Bruce Collinson26/05/2020 20:38:23
537 forum posts

Touché.

Know the one about the old Yorkshireman in the sculptors having a statuette of his late beloved Yorkshire Terrier made; “can tha mek it in gold like?”. Yes. Eighteen carat? “ Well mebbe chewin’ ‘is bone, like.”

john stones 126/05/2020 20:47:59
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11535 forum posts
1517 photos

Would you like a cream cake or a meringue, no you're not wrong, I'd like a cream cake.

JS 1. Fog on the Tyne Dept.

Chris Walby28/05/2020 14:12:23
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1246 forum posts
308 photos

Just placed an order and with all this talk about delivery drones I am now slightly concerned with the delivery method if their dispatch note is anything to go by!

mtsjpg.jpg

Dave Cunnington02/06/2020 14:17:37
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174 forum posts
58 photos

A.A.A.D.D.- DOES ANYONE RECOGNIZE THESE SYMPTOMS ?


"AGE-ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER"

THIS IS HOW IT MANIFESTS:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can
under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first...

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one
cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Pepsi
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, so I decide to put it in the refrigerator
to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye -- they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

But then I realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I'll be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it
spills on the floor, so, I set the remote back on the table and get
some towels and wipe up the spill.

THEN, I HEAD DOWN THE HALL TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT I WAS
PLANNING TO DO.

AT THE END OF THE DAY:

THE CAR ISN’T WASHED,

THE BILLS AREN'T PAID,

THERE IS A WARM CAN OF PEPSI SITTING ON THE COUNTER,

THE FLOWERS DON'T HAVE ENOUGH WATER,

THERE IS STILL ONLY 1 CHEQUE IN MY CHEQUE BOOK,

I CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE,

I CAN'T FIND MY GLASSES,

AND I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THE CAR KEYS.

THEN, WHEN I TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY NOTHING GOT DONE TODAY,

I'M REALLY BAFFLED BECAUSE I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY,

AND I'M REALLY TIRED.

I REALIZE THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM, AND I'LL TRY TO GET SOME HELP FOR IT.

DON'T LAUGH -- IF THIS ISN'T YOU YET,

YOUR DAY IS COMING!

Gary Manuel02/06/2020 15:05:35
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2274 forum posts
1552 photos

I'm pretty much there Dave - now what was I meant to be doing when I sat down at the PC?

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