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Sign of the times - funnies

funnies...

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Myron Beaumont26/06/2009 12:40:20
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5797 forum posts
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Letter from my son in France
Dear Dad
Just to let you know I'm still alive .I'm writing this letter slowly 'cos I know you can't read very fast.You won't know  my house when you come over 'cos we've moved
About my brother He has a great new job over here .He has 500 men under him ; he cuts the grass at the cemetiere . There wasa washing M/C in the new house when we moved in but it hasn't been working too good. Last week I put my shirt in, pulled the chain and havn't seen it since.My girl friend had a baby this morning hence this letter but I havn't found out just yet whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you're a grandfather or a grandmother .
 It only rained twice this week,  first for three days and then four
Ps  I was going to send you ten euro's but I had already sealed up the envelope
your loving son
00127/06/2009 16:51:49
2212 forum posts
1 photos
A white horse goes into a pub and orders a pint of bitter, pays for it and drinks it, then walks out. The next day the same thing happens then again and again.
The barman is surprised, but strange things happen in pubs......
After a few days the barman thinks I had better be sociable and say something, so he says "Do you know we have a Whisky behind the bar named after you". The horse says -
 
 "What, Eric?!"
ken anderson.09/07/2009 08:06:44
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8556 forum posts
776 photos
whay about the man who go'es to the doctor's---"whats the problem" ask's the doc........
"i think i'm a biscuit" replies the man
 
"What-the square one's?"---ask's the doc.....
 
"yes--the square one's with the hole's in them"...replie's the man!!!!.....
 
"Your cracker's" say's the doc.............................. 's..........
 
 
              Ken Anderson................
ken anderson.24/09/2009 17:28:38
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8556 forum posts
776 photos
post number 1300....a tip for all gardener's--water your lawn with 5 part's water to one part whisky........when the grass grow's it will be half cut...........
 
             ken anderson.........there's more for sure........... 'ssssss
00124/09/2009 18:23:48
2212 forum posts
1 photos
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.   The wedding wasn't up to much but the reception was excellent!
David Ashby - Moderator24/09/2009 19:26:01
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10953 forum posts
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614 articles
Brilliant Ken and Richard 

Edited By David Ashby - RCME moderator on 24/09/2009 19:26:29

Eric Bray26/09/2009 23:51:36
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6600 forum posts
2 photos
Two antennas met on a roof.......
 
Is that why they seem to be proliferating on my roof ?
ken anderson.29/09/2009 19:18:19
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8556 forum posts
776 photos
latest - what about the irishman on 'who want's to be a millionaire'...get's asked the name in greek mytholigy of the half man...half animal...?
 
he replies."buffalo bill"............................................
 
      ken anderson......... 'ss.
Stratocruiser29/09/2009 20:29:24
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55 forum posts
A man went into a bar and ordered five pints of beer and five whiskies. He drinks them all then orders four beers and four whiskies. Again he drank them all. The same happened when he ordered three of each and then two of each.
Finally he orders one beer and one whisky, then turns to the bar man and says " It's funny, the less drinks I order, the more drunk I get...."
 
Think I've done that but cannot remember.
Ross Clarkson29/09/2009 20:45:14
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1438 forum posts
106 photos
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
Rob06/10/2009 20:01:20
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234 forum posts
A rabbit goes into the pub and orders a pint of bitter and a cheese and onion toasted sandwich,after eating his toasty he then order a ham and tomato toasty ,later still he orders a ham and cheese toasty, eats it and then drops down dead.
The landlord calls the vet who comes to have a look at the rabbit.The landlord asks the vet what he thinks the cause of death is ,the vet replies mixinhistoasties..
 
 
The old ones are the best......coz there the only ones I can remember!!!
ken anderson.06/10/2009 20:12:39
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8556 forum posts
776 photos
go on rob............man after me own heart......
 
         ken anderson..........
Andy Shailer06/10/2009 20:19:56
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368 forum posts
386 photos
I cant wait for xmas just for this one,
 
Two snowman in a field one and said to the other, can you smell carrots!
 
and this one,
 
Two parrots sitting on a pearch, one said to the other can you smell fish!
 
 
ken anderson.06/10/2009 20:39:18
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8556 forum posts
776 photos
one for the kid's(which we all are)............two egg's in a pan getting boiled...one say's "it's narf hot in here"...............his mate replies "wait till we get out - we get our head's bashed in"................  'ssss.....
 
          ken anderson...........
00106/10/2009 22:12:02
2212 forum posts
1 photos
There was a chess tournament in the City. At the end all the players and their supporters were arguing in the reception area of their hotel.
 
The hotel manager told them all to get out.
 
 
He said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"          
00106/10/2009 22:16:30
2212 forum posts
1 photos
Quiz question . "What was known as a Royal Enfield?"
 
Answer " The Queen's chicken farm!"
Phil Wood.07/10/2009 22:04:31
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3638 forum posts
27 photos
Sorry Rob, I know it was mild and I found it funny but that last post had to go.
Please read this.  Language
 
I couldn't just edit it without spoiling it so please re-post another version if you can.
 
Polyphilla.
David Ashby - Moderator08/10/2009 08:25:35
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10953 forum posts
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It was so good - here's edited version......thanks Rob, love it 
 
 
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.

So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won''t let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.

Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. Oh gawd thinks our man, first day on the job and I''ve killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.

Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.

He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy''s patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.

"Oops" thinks our man, look what I''ve done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I''ll try it again, they eat anything don''t they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.

Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

"Hello" he says.

"Alright" say the other lions

"What''s it like here then?" asks the new lion

"Not bad" say the other lions

"Food ok?" enquires the new lion

"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

 
TonyS08/10/2009 10:01:34
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1145 forum posts
323 photos
And that's how the fight started........
 
Chap was driving into work when he rear-ended a car at a roundabout. The driver of the car in front was a midget. He got out and stormed over to the chap " I'm not happy he says"
 
The chap replied "Which one are you then?'
 
That's how the fight started...... 
Rob08/10/2009 11:14:29
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234 forum posts
Sorry about the required editting,cant take any credit for the joke I saw it on another site and copy/pasted it onto here .Appologies again.
Rob

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